In 2015, I started a Patreon and announced that I was beginning work on a memoir about growing up in a large (or should I say gigantic?) Christian, conservative family.

I am the third oldest child of 16 children, and while most of my siblings would end up getting some primary schooling, two of us were entirely homeschooled from Kindergarten through, well…whenever our parents decided we should say we’d graduated high school. It wasn’t really based on any academic performance, because we were expected to teach ourselves once we learned how to read.

I didn’t have an official release date for this memoir. I still don’t. This is because the results of such a complex background caught up with me very quickly. Within days of my first blog post about my parents’ neglect and abuse, I needed to take mental health time away from my day job. In the years that followed, I struggled a lot with career options. It wasn’t just that I couldn’t get jobs – a major problem itself – but when I did, I couldn’t keep them.

My mental and physical health deteriorated quickly. It would only take five years for me to be unable to show up consistently anymore, even for the most basic part-time work. I tried everything I could with my limited skill set and educational neglect: dishwashing, cooking, copywriting, nannying, freelance, grocery store delis…the list goes on. Not having consistent work makes the rest of life inconsistent, too: everything from financial stability to a daily routine goes out the window.

Throughout all this, I’m extremely grateful to say that many generous people came through for me. They supported my writing on Patreon and helped me fill in the gaps between to cover my needs. They even sent gifts to support my writing. It’s impossible to describe what it feels like to be believed in when you’re too worn down to believe in yourself. Thank you all so much for everything you’ve done to help me out.

For the past few years, I’ve been relying entirely on writing and fundraising while I work on my disability benefits case. This kind of living is not sustainable and it means being extremely poor. This desperate situation is the reality for many disabled people in the United States, and even with the prospect of eventually winning my case, regular benefits do not offer a livable income.

The good thing is that I’ve been putting serious effort into my recovery, and it is paying off. I am both neurodivergent and disabled, but my depression has eased as I practice better coping. My ability to grasp hope has improved as I’ve allowed my perception of hope itself to shift. This is wonderful news! My outlook was once so bleak and dreary, and I don’t carry that heavy dread with me anymore.

My Complex PTSD symptoms are more managed, but one thing never fails to make them worse: writing about my trauma. This leaves me in a difficult position, because I don’t want to give up on writing. At the same time, I know I shouldn’t sacrifice my own livelihood and mental stability for it.

I still plan to return to writing my memoir, but I don’t know how long it will take to get from here to a finished book. Or multiple books to break it up into different topics? We’ll see.

What I need is to pursue a future I can look forward to, instead of emphasizing the past. More than that, I am learning how to be mindful of the present. I think to truly write something great, I need to have more education. The goal is to make that happen soon.