I hear you don’t like it
I don’t care if you don’t…
You can burn the skin I live in
But you cannot burn the witch away
-Aurora, The Devil is Human

It’s taken twelve years to record my thoughts on milestones ten times. For me, a birthday is a chance to reflect on how life changes as it progresses. I turn 32 years old today, and it amuses me that while I quoted Taylor Swift ten years ago about “Feelin’ 22,” she has since become a Billionaire and astronomically more famous than she was at the time. I listened to a few of her songs then, but I haven’t listened to anything of hers since.

Music is a hyper-fixation of mine. It gives me a multitude of feelings, and I can look back on the music I listened to during specific times of my life as a kind of soundtrack and measurement for where I was at. In my early years, my favorite artists came from Christian pop. The artist that most resonated with me was Plumb, and to this day I respect her for being outspoken as an ally to LGBTAIQ+ people. I loved that her music was melancholy but determined, or, as one of her album titles suggests, full of “chaotic resolve.”

In one song on the Chaotic Resolve album, which I didn’t listen to until I was in college, she writes,

“I was frozen in a fragile world
Of make believe and empty lies
Twisting the rules
Of a virtuous game
And captured by the thought of fear
And loneliness afraid to cry
Suffocating trying to scream
Cause I wanted out
To find myself
Cause perfect only makes you crazy
There is no way that it could save me
I’m sick of feeling like a traitor
Is this the price for good behavior?”

I was constantly asking myself that, because I felt that I had practiced “good behavior” all my life. I did all the things I was taught to do. I lived with pious dedication to what I was told to believe. I was constantly falling short of perfection, but I relied heavily on prayer and confession to bridge the gap between myself and what I was told was the holiness of god. Finally, after being homeschooled all my life, at the age of 19, I went to college and met up with perspectives I hadn’t been exposed to before. I realized I was wrong about just about everything in reality, because I’d been indoctrinated and isolated.

Today, I recognize that there will always be more to learn, and I am not done learning. This fills me with hope and curiosity.

I honestly didn’t expect to live this long. As a child, I didn’t think about what I wanted to be when I grew up, because I didn’t think I would live that long. I was told so many horror stories about how the rest of the world was determined to persecute Christians, I thought I was going to be killed for my faith. I thought if I was lucky, I’d only be shot and have it over quickly. However, I wanted desperately to be one of those god thought of as strong and worthy enough to endure torture without denying him. That’s what I was taught was the most righteous, honorable way to be in the kingdom of god – to take up your cross and follow Jesus.

Each year that passes, I am amazed at what life has to offer. The world is a completely different place than I knew. It still has horrors to cope with, but I don’t have to wonder why god allows them anymore, and that is a relief.

Our lives are brief. The existence of our entire species is brief. The existence of our planet itself is brief. We know enough about space now to measure boggling lifespans of gigantic things, and we are so very small in this universe. As my last therapist would say, I wouldn’t expect to wake up and be able to control the trajectory of the planets; so why should I fixate on other aspects of life that are outside of my control?

I am learning about control and patience through a deep meditation practice. I am learning that I cannot control what other people think of me, but I can gradually alter how I think about myself. I am not the center of the universe, and I don’t expect that my birthday means much to others. Rather, I record these posts to mark milestones in my development. Anyone who reads along is welcome to garner what they wish for themselves.

I am better than I’ve ever been in my life, and that’s magnificent. My mental health is more stable than ever. My physical health is better managed than it was when I was trying to understand the influence of demons at battle with angels, treating symptoms with alternative medicines. I have a toolkit of coping skills to rely on when things are difficult. I have a trusted community to turn to for support. I love my partner with more authentic intimacy than I could have previously imagined. I even appreciate knowing my cats as fellow creatures on this earth who just need space and care.

Today will not be spent celebrating. We’re flying the rest of the way to our moving destination, and late at night we will finally arrive in our new home.

I cannot thank you all enough for joining me on this journey of learning and growth. Thank you for your support over the years, and for helping us move again. We have high hopes for this new location. It means everything to be able to turn to our community for care.