2015 was so full of transformations. I worked three different jobs, and my relationships were in a constant state of flux. It seemed like I was constantly losing friends while precariously trying to make new ones. At the beginning of the year I found myself sick of trying, as I had desperately all my life,… Continue reading Letters of Self-Compassion: Heaven
One of my earliest memories is of crying with my mom. When I was about five, it occurred to me that not everyone I loved was a Christian. My mom told me that they would be going to hell, and I was gutted. I started naming family members, asking “even them?” and as I cried,… Continue reading Letter of Self-Compassion: Hell
“Things you said about me, it hurt, it did.What matters more is how I feel about myselfThe things you said about me, I won’t forgetWhat matters now is how I feel about myself.” –Melan, Soul Stream I want to try something new. I have been doing it in several ways already, but not yet in… Continue reading An Introduction to a New Series: Letters of Self-Compassion
I started blogging over a decade ago, and I’ve always written about my beliefs and how they’ve changed. In one of my early posts, “When the Heart Forces a Smile,” I talked about how my mom taught me forced smiling when I felt upsetting, intense emotions. I didn’t identify this as a form of controlling… Continue reading Non-toxic Positivity
I struggle a great deal with being human. For many years, I bristled at people who said to me, “you’re a human,” wondering what on earth they meant. People go through life with a wide range of definitions for humanness. As a young child, I was taught that to be human was to be flawed.… Continue reading Doing Enough
I entered adulthood wholly uneducated and unprepared for life. I was homeschooled until I was 19. When I tried attending a local university while living with my parents, I had no time to study. I also had no respect for academia. In my mind, my own ignorant Christian beliefs were superior to whatever I might… Continue reading Close Clarity
You take my handAnd you say you’ve changedBut boy you know your begging don’t fool meBecause to you it’s just a game(You know it’s just too little too late) I was youngAnd in loveI gave you everythingBut it wasn’t enoughAnd now you wanna communicate(You know it’s just too little too late) Go find someone elseI’m… Continue reading Groomed
In Christian homeschool speech and debate, we were told that we were learning logic and critical thinking. What we learned was a kind of feigned intellectualism, one that behaves under the pretense that the most reasonable reaction to anything is no reaction at all. Almost without fail, the winning competitors were charismatic and attractive, smooth… Continue reading Heartlessness and Hate, Part 2
The one episode of reality TV that featured my family was a much smaller thing than we thought. Shared delusions are central to relationships with abusers, and the chance to soak up the spotlight was no exception for my parents. The show itself was embarrassingly bad – the production quality was abysmal, and we had… Continue reading False Fame
I was taught primarily for religious and political purposes, not to prepare me for independence in adulthood. My high school transcript, and the fact that I wrote it myself, demonstrates how little I was taught. For me, being homeschooled meant that my access to information was severely limited by what my parents thought was true.… Continue reading My Homeschool Transcript